trying

well, last night went better than expected. i didn't cry as much as i thought i would. the tears came in the beginning, but then subsided. i had visions of me sobbing hysterically in front of the pastor, but i didn't. he's very kind and understanding and accepting of all aspects of my situation. it felt good to talk. we're going to be meeting (hopefully) on a weekly basis.

today is thanksgiving. a day for giving thanks. i'm trying to keep that in mind and be thankful that C is in my life at all, but it's very difficult right now.

this morning, just before i woke, i had a snippet of a dream with her in it. the first i've had in a long time. in it, i was rummaging through a closet for something and she came up behind me and murmured softly... kiss me darling. i turned and did. it was one of those deep passionate kisses we shared so often in september.

then i read this from my horoscope yesterday: "aim for more of what you want. you might be overwhelmed by what is going down. know when to say 'enough'. changes could be down the path that you haven't even a clue about. think positively, if possible."

that seemed to scream at me everything i'm dealing with right now. every night i have to mentally say 'enough!' when the negative thoughts consume me and i can't sleep. the latter part of the advice gives me a spark of hope...