what is a friend?

these last two and a half weeks have been the most difficult of my life.

through all of the pain and tears and wondering where i go from here, there have been two friends that stand out. please do not think for an instant that i have disregarded any of your comments or feelings about everything that has happened. i haven't. it's just that these two individuals - D and M - have reminded me what a friend really is.

yesterday i had an impromptu counselling session and mentioned somewhere along the way that i felt that i've been a burden to my friends. i think that is the main reason why i have not turned to more of you and sought you out to speak on individual terms. it seemed enough - more than enough - that i burden D and M. but for whatever reasons they persisted and have helped me more than i think either of them realise. even now i feel i should repay them, but there is no measure of money or anything else of value that could compare to the presence of a friend who's truly been there and truly wants to help me heal.

on top of it all, there's mom. i will briefly explain who she is to me. she's a friend i met a few years ago who is also a lesbian and old enough to be the woman who gave birth to me. i started calling her mom about a year after we'd met because she is, in my eyes, the mother of my heart. she, too, has experienced a lot of heartache with relationships so i have had her support and love as well.

regardless of how i may respond to you, i appreciate your continued support of me.

empty

i feel nothing. i don't know where to go. if i stand still i get anxious. if i move and do something productive, i get anxious. all i want to do is sleep. i feel sick all the time.

if i had known she would leave me a shell of a woman, i wouldn't have gone down that road.

i am not going to enter into another relationship because everyday i will wonder if she's going to suddenly change her mind like C did. is that any way to be in a relationship?

no one can help me. even the friends i talk to daily cannot change anything. cannot take away the pain. the emptiness.

there's so much i don't care about anymore. nothing matters in the end.

something in common

tonight i decided i needed a bit of a distraction so i asked dm (dm is my dear mother, not to be confused with mom mentioned over on the sidebar) if she wanted to go to the cinema.

we went to see casino royale, the new james bond film.

the irony has never been lost on me that i am a lesbian and one of my favourite film series has been the james bond films - essentially a series of stories featuring one of the most egotistical male chauvinists in cinema history. if i were to meet a man like this in real life, he would surely piss me off to no end.

but after seeing casino royale - the story that introduces the character of james bond - i understand what the appeal is.

this film is based on the first book ian fleming ever wrote introducing james bond as a double-oh agent. in this story, we see his vulnerability... a woman strips away his emotional defenses and he falls in love with her only to be betrayed in the end. and he loses her as much as he wants to save her life. this event turns him into the male chauvinist that he is in the other films we're more familiar with - he uses women rather than letting them into his heart.

kind of how i feel... C stripped away my defenses... i fell in love... she hasn't betrayed me, but after all this, i will close off my heart forever...

trying

well, last night went better than expected. i didn't cry as much as i thought i would. the tears came in the beginning, but then subsided. i had visions of me sobbing hysterically in front of the pastor, but i didn't. he's very kind and understanding and accepting of all aspects of my situation. it felt good to talk. we're going to be meeting (hopefully) on a weekly basis.

today is thanksgiving. a day for giving thanks. i'm trying to keep that in mind and be thankful that C is in my life at all, but it's very difficult right now.

this morning, just before i woke, i had a snippet of a dream with her in it. the first i've had in a long time. in it, i was rummaging through a closet for something and she came up behind me and murmured softly... kiss me darling. i turned and did. it was one of those deep passionate kisses we shared so often in september.

then i read this from my horoscope yesterday: "aim for more of what you want. you might be overwhelmed by what is going down. know when to say 'enough'. changes could be down the path that you haven't even a clue about. think positively, if possible."

that seemed to scream at me everything i'm dealing with right now. every night i have to mentally say 'enough!' when the negative thoughts consume me and i can't sleep. the latter part of the advice gives me a spark of hope...

trying

well, last night went better than expected. i didn't cry as much as i thought i would. the tears came in the beginning, but then subsided. i had visions of me sobbing hysterically in front of the pastor, but i didn't. he's very kind and understanding and accepting of all aspects of my situation. it felt good to talk. we're going to be meeting (hopefully) on a weekly basis. today is thanksgiving. a day for giving thanks. i'm trying to keep that in mind and be thankful that C is in my life at all, but it's very difficult right now. this morning, just before i woke, i had a snippet of a dream with her in it. the first i've had in a long time. in it, i was rummaging through a closet for something and she came up behind me and murmured softly... kiss me darling. i turned and did. it was one of those deep passionate kisses we shared so often in september. then i read this from my horoscope yesterday: "aim for more of what you want. you might be overwhelmed by what is going down. know when to say 'enough'. changes could be down the path that you haven't even a clue about. think positively, if possible." that seemed to scream at me everything i'm dealing with right now. every night i have to mentally say 'enough!' when the negative thoughts consume me and i can't sleep. the latter part of the advice gives me a spark of hope...

finally

okay i've finally gotten in touch with someone i can talk with one on one. i have an appointment directly after work tomorrow evening. hopefully i can find peace. please don't misunderstand, i appreciate all of the time all of you who are my friends have taken to speak with me one on one and encourage my healing, but i need someone face-to-face. i need that human contact.

prisoner inside my own mind

i feel like i'm in a dark tunnel, with no way out. no light. no C. nothing. i am afraid.

i'm not coping well. just when i feel i might have a little hope that things could return to us being us, it slips through my fingers. i've searched for support here in town but the only kind available is stuff you have to pay for. all i want is human contact and someone to talk to. none of the gay/lesbian groups seem to be available anymore. i even tried calling a church and was directed to call the national cope hotline. i found another that i might try tomorrow during my lunch hour.

i feel dead inside. i don't want to feel anything anymore.

bad night

last night was a night much like i've had for the last week or so. peaceful sleep for the most part but whenever i'd wake for even the briefest moment, memories came flooding in. then i would do my best to shove them out again so i could return to some sort of peace. i wonder if she's suffered the same. do the memories flood her mind? has she found a way to shut them off before madness sets in?

i wish there were a better, easier way to cope with this, but of course there isn't.

today i'm wearing a brown top i bought during my visit that she then accented with diamantes. the neck is low cut so i've added a medalion choker that i also bought over there. something to feel close to her.