bad night

last night was a night much like i've had for the last week or so. peaceful sleep for the most part but whenever i'd wake for even the briefest moment, memories came flooding in. then i would do my best to shove them out again so i could return to some sort of peace. i wonder if she's suffered the same. do the memories flood her mind? has she found a way to shut them off before madness sets in?

i wish there were a better, easier way to cope with this, but of course there isn't.

today i'm wearing a brown top i bought during my visit that she then accented with diamantes. the neck is low cut so i've added a medalion choker that i also bought over there. something to feel close to her.

now what?

i wish i knew where to go from here. it will take time to heal. i'm not even sure how i feel right now. empty? numb? hurt? lost? all of the above. i don't really even know what i want to say here. one thing i don't want is for anything i say here to hurt c (as she will be known here) or make her feel guilty. for a while i suppose i will use this as a place to sort my feelings. i hope that i don't run anyone away as i go through this.

i've spent a lot of the day running through old posts on my blog, reliving the past. i've gone through emails that i want to save. i want to save every part of this relationship. every email. every photo. even our joint writing attempts. the graphics i made for her - for us. i've got a lot more emails to go through, but i can't handle anymore right now. maybe tomorrow.

thank you for your support. i hope none of you turn your back on c should she decide to return to blogging.

recovering

so this is my new home, sorry that the walls are a bit barren. they will be filled in as i'm inspired and have time.

as stated in the description, this blog is dedicated to a very special woman in my life who has taught me a lot about myself and what it means to love. she will, of course, deny that she deserves such honour, but as it is mine to bestow, i shall do so. there are those who might believe i am foolish to feel as i do, but i cannot help how my heart feels. she is and always will be one of the most important people in my life.

having said that, though, this blog will be about me and my life. it's a new beginning for me as i adjust to a big change in my life. i beg your patience, though, as the posts may be few because i now have two jobs and precious little free time.

thank you to those of you whom i can count on as my friends, for supporting me through this, and thank you, too, for not harbouring ill feelings toward deadlyfemale.